Shortage of vanity frames forces caucasians to confront, accept ugliness.
Seattle – An increasing influx of white people to the Pacific Northwest has resulted in a severe shortage of thick-rimmed glasses frames, the AP reports. The shortage has had serious ramifications for white people’s deludedly skewed self-perceptions.
“Well sure, I don’t need glasses, but seriously, who’d wanna look at me with out them? I mean, ew.” said Anna Sheen, 21, a university student in Portland, OR. ”I never realized it before, but without those thick frames to divert your eyes, there’s all sorts of nasty things on a white girl or guy’s face I don’t want to look at, and that includes mine. I hate mirrors.” Ms. Sheen added.
“Without my frames, the only option for hiding my hideous gaping acne scars is stubble, and even then that doesn’t distract from my overall unpleasant appearance anywhere near as well as a pair of thick, oversized glasses,” said Seattle musician Zane Kade, 23.
Hot Topic, the main supplier of thick rimmed vanity frames in the Pacific Northwest, issued the following brief statement: “Hot Topic wishes to assure all caucasians, and the occasional misguided person of color, that we are doing everything we can to increase the supply of thick-rimmed glasses to the region. We promise you, we don’t want to look at your faces anymore than you do.”
Thick rimmed glasses have long been a popular method of compensating for the otherwise unpleasant nature of the caucasian visage, according to Rachael Smith, professor of Racial Studies at the University of Portland State, and contributor to the recent bestselling book Whitey Woes. ”When you break it down, compare our builds, skin tone, aging process, etc…to other races, the white visage is actually far inferior to just about every other race on earth. We’re acne ridden, pockmarked, freckled, translucent….we’re hideous,” Smith said. ”The simple truth is, white people are very physically unappealing race, with mulattos generally being the standard we should all strive for. Can I say ‘mulatto?’”
With vanity frames not currently an option for Anna Sheen, she says she’s doing her best to adjust to life without frames as self-esteem. ”I never needed the frames to see better, I could always see just fine without them. But noticing all these whiteheads on my forehead and being able to see veins right through my skin has forced me to accept the fact that, on the outside anyway, I am an ugly, ugly human being. I always had sight, but I could never really see before,” Sheen said.
In the meantime, professor Smith advises all white people to mitigate their ugliness by mating with as many people of other ethnic backgrounds as possible. ”Mulattos are the future,” Smith said. ”Only by breeding with other races can we finally cure the ugly once and for all.”
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