well, i’ve been putting off starting this for a variety of reasons, waiting for a specific moment of clarity, i guess~ for certain things to be “settled” in a way.
i could be waiting for this forever!
so i’ve decided that the most important thing is to just start SOMEWHERE- action over perfection- and things will unfold and evolve as they are meant to…
so here goes:
THIS BLOG IS GOING TO BE BRUTALLY HONEST- sometimes thrillingly so, sometimes painfully so. i suppose it all depends on your perspective…
about 6 months ago, i reached a crisis point where it became painfully clear that huge, transformative changes were in order- that without them, i literally would not survive.
many things in my life had come to a head in such a way that i could no longer compartmentalize or repress the various parts of my Self to please others, or to try to avoid their discomfort.
i realized how many of my life decisions had been made with other people foremost in mind, rather then myself, and that this had been a major contributing factor to my decades of severe chronic pain, and more recent years of disability. this dysfunctional pattern reached a point where it nearly killed me. my choice was either to undertake an epic change, or to perish. (i’m sure that sounds terribly melodramatic & self-important, but oh well.) these last few years were literally a living hell of near-continuous physical & emotional torture. i guess it had to get that bad for me to finally really make a change…
of course there is a very long story there, but for now it will suffice to say that in mid-march, 2009, i made a vow to finally live my life for me, to stop compromising what i knew to be true for me, to take action on long-held secret dreams. (despite the apparent limitations of my physical body, my finances, and my all-but-non-existent support system.)
i had to believe that if i set foot on my true path, finally doing what was right FOR ME, that the universe would line up in support of that- that previously invisible doorways would open, that true friends/ love/ community would appear, that pain and other limitations would fall away, replaced by pleasure, joy, and fullfillment.
sounds ridiculous, no?
well, IT HAS BEEN WORKING.
IS WORKING.
my very first action, first step on that path -back on march 17th- was to start taking TESTOSTERONE.
not to “become a man”, but to finally embody my full freaky self- to attempt to have my outside match my inside- which has always been ‘both’ and ‘neither’- something far beyond the binary gender system.
(i’ll get more deeply into this in another post. this is just intended to be an intro, of sorts.)
so, in this blog i’ll be exploring all of the seemingly-disparate, but no-longer-separate parts of my Self and life~
originally i had thought about doing several *separate* blogs on topics ranging from invisible disability & disability awareness, to self-healing & healing others, to urban nomadic living, to XXX perverted queer sex & BDSM, to subverting/ dissolving the binary gender system and all other destructive dominant paradigms, to intersex activism, to creating intergenerational community & communities of care, and so much more…
instead, all of these topics and many more will all co-exist & mingle, in no-doubt strange and unusual (and hopefully exciting & mind-opening) ways.
no more false compartmentalization, no more repressive self-editing. if you’re gonna know me, you’re gonna know all of me.
so, wanna dive in?
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